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What you need to join my band


By SPP Reporter

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DOES ANYBODY want to be in my band? I’m going to be the singer, of course, but at present I have vacancies for a guitarist, bass player, drummer, pianist, organ player, another guitarist, a horn section, lap steel guitarist, an Eno-like genius who makes us sound good, and a bloke who dances on stage and somehow gets to be counted as part of the band.

Musical ability would be a plus, of course, but what I’m really looking for is attitude.

If you are going to start a band, I reckon it should the best band ever, so I’m looking to combine the revolutionary fervour of The Clash with the pop melodies of Abba, the danceability of the best disco and the heart-breaking melancholy of country.

That shouldn’t be too hard.

As we’re going to be the best band in the history of music, we’ll have to get our image sorted pretty quickly. Too many bands these days are four blokes in ill-fitting jeans and T-shirts and that just won’t do.

If you’re going to be in my band, you’ll have to wear the same clothes as me. At all times.

We will look sharp and we will look like a gang. That way, when we all step up to the microphones during the chorus, we will look fantastic.

Of course, it means that if I wear Cuban heels, you have to wear Cuban heels, but them’s the breaks.

So far, I’m finding it hard to decide on a name for the group.

Ray Davies decided to call his group The Kinks on the basis that, wherever they were on the bill, it would always look like the best name.

That’s pretty good advice, but I still can’t decided between the following: The Gingers, Killing Paddington, Thwart, and Ken Gorm and the Swashbuckling Bucaneros (we’ll probably have a vote at the first band meeting).

I haven’t got any songs either, but that shouldn’t be too much of a problem. I’ve found some pretty good song titles on the internet (‘You left footprints on my stomach when you walked out of my heart’ and ‘You’re the reason why our kids are so ugly’) so we’ll just have to write some songs to match.

Your influences should include Springsteen, McCartney, Ant and Dec.

You must be good looking and sassy, have the ability to churn out effortlessly witty quips for the music press, and swear undying loyalty to me as your band leader.

My plan is for world domination in about three years, then we can get lazy and complacent and bloated with success, so please keep your diary clear until at least 2015.

No time-wasters, please.


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