FOOLSCAP: Take the plunge... The 'How not to' guide for a trouble-free Christmas
Well folks there is no more beating around the bush.
Christmas is firmly upon us.
It is being confirmed at least 10 times a day by Noddy Holder and Slade on the radio.
Turkey and Brussels sprouts are confirmed to be in extremely short supply and will require either a re-mortgage, bridging loan or additional credit card (possibly all three) to ensure everyone has some on their plate come the big day.
We two on the Foolscap desk try and ignore the inevitable for as long as possible but as a result most of December is spent in an emotional state ranging from mild unease to terrorising panic.
We frequently wake at 3am and resolve to start preparing for Christmas as soon as dawn breaks.
Of course, as soon as we have the calming effect of daylight upon us, we convince ourselves there is nothing to worry about and there are at least three relaxing days left before we need to over-panic and start knitting Christmas jumpers.
So, this Christmas be like the Foolscap team, put your feet, get a nice warm drink, and relax, maybe read the paper.
The rest of this week’s festive offering will assure you there is absolutely very little, well perhaps just a bit, to worry about.
Whilst everyone is relaxing and not worrying about Christmas shopping, we dug out some research that confirms what we suspected all along.... a lot of people put next to no thought at all into choosing Christmas gifts.
Out of date chocolates, weed killer, hoover bags and shoe polish are among the worst gifts ever received by some people, and these are only the ones we are responsible for!
According to recent research the most disappointing presents that have left Brits feeling insulted.
These include out-of-date chocolates and toilet plungers but perhaps the two go hand in hand and the giver is only trying to be helpful.
The list also includes weed killer and a wig, perhaps fertilizer would be a more fitting pairing for this one.
The ‘Bad Gifts Haul of Fame’ research also revealed a tin of baked beans, mop and bucket, spot cream and hoover bags among some of the worst gifts Brits have been handed.
In fact, a large percentage of ungrateful gift receivers have been completely lost for words after opening a present because they hated it so much, with over a fifth of those ‘researched’ ending up having a row with the person who gave them the gift.
The study also revealed that 37 percent of the nation has at least one family member who always gives them the worst presents, while a decent number also claimed their in-laws are the biggest offenders, and some poor souls confess they can’t stand the gifts that their other half buys for them every year, they need to drop bigger hints.
We find a direct instruction or even just ‘self-ordering’ works well. As ever we two on the Foolscap team wish to avoid anyone facing disappointment this yule, with this in mind please find below a ‘what not to buy at Christmas’ ready reckoner.
• Out of date chocolates (these will cost the same as in date anyway).
• half dead plant (could be argued its half alive, but probably don’t want to go there).
• A toilet plunger (hard to wrap convincingly).
• Supply of weight loss pills (they don’t work).
• Weed killer (it’s winter).
• A wig (hard to get the right size).
• A can of baked beans (a four pack would be acceptable).
• A mop and bucket (you will never keep it concealed until Christmas day).
• Spot cream (never going to go down well, let’s face it).
• Hair removal cream (if you gift this, do not fall asleep after dinner!).
• Hoover bags (who would get something this old fashioned anyway?).
• Shoe polish (what colour shoes do the three musketeers wear? Dark tan yins!).
• A jar of pickles (unless you like wearing pickles).
• Horrible smelling perfume or aftershave (could be used to cover the smell of pickle...).
• An item of clothing you’ve seen the person wear (unless you get it dyed a different colour perhaps).
An ironing board cover (not unless you want to spend Christmas day wearing an actual ironing board, smelling strongly of pickle, hairless and living on beans until the New Year).
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Have yourself a Mary Berry Christmas
Since Christmas is a time for endless lists, we are pleased to bring you another one. This is equally as useful as the last one and will surely save you a lot of potential grief this festive time.
According to yet another study, we keep finding them, half of Britons feeling under pressure to deliver Christmas lunch this festive season, and many claim they are now an expert.
And when it comes to the best Christmas lunch hacks, according to those who consider themselves a seasoned pro, the number one tip is to ban any talk of religion, sex, or politics over the table.
While 46 percent of confident festive chefs suggest that remembering to use plenty of tin foil is the way to go, while always chuffing your potatoes and making sure you’ve got plenty pigs in blankets all made the list of top tips.
The research also found that many insist that using a meat thermometer is the only way to ensure a perfectly cooked bird, we have always preferred an oven, but hey each to their own.
To help create a succulent turkey, those surveyed recommended putting butter under the skin before cooking, whilst not averse to this we do wonder if it might stain one’s shirt, so please exercise caution, otherwise butter up and have a great time!
Ensuring you have enough pots and pans before the big day and setting the table the night before, on Christmas Eve were also among the top hacks, just make sure you don’t have one to many before setting the table on Christmas Eve after all it needs to look good, a few mugs and a toast rack won’t cut it.
The best Christmas Day chefs also advise stocking up on cling film for storing away any leftovers, making the gravy ahead of time and never overcooking the sprouts (37 percent).
How to nail Christmas dinner:
• Ban any talk of religion, sex, or politics (are there other topics?).
• Tidy as you go (delegate).
• Remember tin foil is your best friend (after a few wines start weeping on its tinny shoulder).
• Make sure you have enough Christmas crackers (get the invites out early).
• Don’t forget cling film for the leftovers (or get a dog).
• Don’t have too much booze on Christmas eve (save it for Christmas day!).
• Make your gravy ahead of time (as in hours not months).
• Ensure you have enough soft drinks (?).
• Enlist one person to be your helper (enlist three people to do every- thing.)
• Make a note of your exact timings (and watch them become increasingly irrelevant).
• Wake up before 7am (kids will have you up at 2am anyway).
• Don’t have your first tipple until the veggies are prepped (we prep ours in July and freeze them).
• Always prepare a veggie option (Cheese biscuits won’t do).
• Make your bread sauce from scratch rather than a packet (don’t, life is too short).
• Keep your mother-in-law out of the kitchen (good luck with that one!).
However, our dear readers choose to celebrate Christmas and whatever they get up too, please remember to take notes and let us on the Foolscap desk know all about it at editorial@sbherald.co.uk . May we also take this opportunity to wish one and all a very Merry Christmas!