Gregor sharpens A9 demand

We are frequently lost in admiration for our local Highland councillor Gregor Rimell but we are concerned at his latest plans which we have gleaned from his election manifesto.

He has included a survey to find out what we the people want from our elected representatives on Highland Council and this is a bit of a departure for candidates generally. We applaud this survey and hope that it will spread but it has raised some concerns.

For example in the questions on transport projects he mentions "Duelling the A9 and duelling the A96," which we have transcribed here exactly as his survey has it printed.

It seems a bit heavy handed and possibly a trifle dangerous to start sword fencing on major roads. Apart from causing a traffic hazard it is not yet clear what he hopes this will achieve.

Possibly he hopes that the sight of sword play will slow down speeding motorists or there may be something that none of us can see that Gregor can.

Another interesting question he asks is: "Which bus stop or train platform are you most likely to use?" We think that the general answer to this is: "The nearest one," but it may be a trick question so we aren’t going to fall for that.

Another asks: "Please give details of changes to local transport you would like to see: (Please use reverse)" which we think is a bit silly. It may get you where you want to go but it will take much longer going backwards.

ONE of us was recently touring New Zealand for no better reason than to bring you information from the other side of the world to amaze and astound. Needless to say the other half of the Foolscap duo had to stay behind to churn out the inspired prose that you so love.

We visited Queenstown, said by those who know it, to be like Aviemore on speed and during our stay the ambient daytime temperature there was in the twenties.

Queenstown is a sporting resort with jet boat rides, luge racing, bungy jumping, downhill biking and many more adrenalin sports on offer.

It has a profusion of bars and restaurants just like we have only more of them and even a few designer shops unlike here – no, Fat Face is not what we call a designer store – where we have to make do with Tesco if we want some strange exotic retailing.

One intriguing night spot that we saw was called the ‘Below Zero Ice Bar’ a bar deliberately kept cold – around -4C - to preserve the ice furniture, seats tables, counter and, I gather, a few ice sculptures.

The admission charge was around £15 and included hats, boots and jackets for the patrons.

But we were not tempted to pay the entry charge as we already frequent a number of bars in the strath that offer a similar level of temperature but who at least have the decency not to charge us to get in.

WE hear tales of great heroics in the recent community council election of Kincraig. The bravery of one candidate Alan Cairns is worthy of note.

Caught boasting wryly in the village stores regarding the number of the hands he’d been shaking and the babies he’d kissed, he was promptly challenged by one sceptical matron to kiss her own baby if he valued his place on the community council.

She added to give the perspective community councillor the opportunity to renege, telling him, "Mind you Alan, he’s quite a big baby now, at 47…..." at which point she trailed off.

However, not to be beaten, the bold candidate spoke up and made the best of a bad job.

"That’s fine. Just tell him to have a shave first."

With his credentials thus proven, Mr Cairns went on to win more votes than most of his opponents. It seems that even in local politics you have to put your mouth where your mouth is.

AS we two sit here atop our lofty perch on the 10th floor contemplating a summer of cold pies and queuing for fuel, news reaches us from an even loftier perch in the shape of Cairngorm.

We should perhaps deal with this news first and then move onto the other minor matters of cold pies and fuel.

Let’s set the scene – one of the rangers on Cairngorm who goes by the name of Attila decides one day to dig a hole in the car park.

Known to have a voracious appetite, Atilla may have intended this hole to be utilised as an emergency food store but this fact remains unconfirmed.

We can, however, confirm that he did dig the hole, and as many who have gone before him upon starting to dig the hole he was unable to stop until the main electrical supply cable for the entire mountain complex had been severed.

This leads us if somewhat clumsily but nonetheless reasonably quickly to cold pies.

The Government in its wisdom and in an attempt to top up the nation’s coffers intends to make hot pies applicable to VAT at 20% whilst cold ones remain zero rated.

Balancing nations ongoing prosperity on the future sales of pastry items seems to us like a ponderously flawed strategy however who are we to comment, we don’t have a better plan.

Now as we already know that Atilla has a love for the food we can only imagine that upon hearing the news that Cornish pasties were to be 20% more expensive he flew into a blind rage an in an attempt to prevent pies being heated up to VAT temperature severed the electricity and thus hoped to prevent an involuntary reduction in intake.

This is, of course, only our theory and much like taxing puff pastry to raise money or making us queue for fuel when there’s not even a strike on could be complete nonsense.

Happily Atilla was uninjured in the incident and was spared the excitement of being lit up in spectacular fashion and thereby being forever saddled with the moniker - Atilla the Sun.

OUR kettle in the office is seldom cold. In fact it’s never off the boil as we two need copious amounts of tea to get us through the day. After all making a cup of tea gives us something to do.

However, the kettle has now started to take on a life of its own popping and rumbling. Even the tea tastes a bit wonky.

Worse it has badly affected our afternoon sojourns in the Jacuzzi and recently when our lovely editor, Gavin Musgrove, joined us, some very funny noises came from the bubbling water which we can only assume means that there has been some change.

Apparently this phenomena is well documented and is a result of the new water supply we have all recently been connected to. A grand example of taking something that was amazingly good in the first place and making it - just that little bit worse.

Well done Scottish Water.

WE are always glad to hear from you our dear readers especially when you send us stories that could embarrass your friends. As usual Foolscap needs moles and stool pigeons. Contact us at foolscap@btinternet.com with the latest gossip.

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