Jacqui has recently become the owner of yet another pair of exotic and expensive designer specs. Not quite Dame Edna Everage, but not far off it. However, panic broke out when she couldn't find them. That is, Jacqui's panic.

Nobody else on the ground floor even looked up from their work as losing essential bits of paraphernalia is Jacqui's specialist subject. She had put the specs in her bag the day before and she assumed that they must have dropped out at some point.

It wasn't the first time this pair of specs has been mislaid having been found, inexplicably, in a brolly on her car floor only a few days previously.

Nothing for it but to hunt high and low for them but she eventually gave up and grabbed an old pair to go about her business.

Later when she carefully retraced her steps, she did find the elusive spectacles, beneath the wheels of her car and crumpled beyond repair.

She is now dodging in and out of cupboards and doorways rather than be seen in anything quite as outré as last year's specs.

*

GLOBAL warming has been messing about with our weather and is never far from the news, therefore we two on the 10th floor were relieved to read in last week's "Strathy" that a flood never happened.

Apparently, according to the breathless and tension-filled article headlined "All clear after flood alert," the River Spey was rising rapidly and certain disaster was only averted when it stopped raining earlier than expected.

Phew, a close one, we have therefore decided to get into the spirit of things and have here a round-up of weather events that never happened in the strath last week.

In fact, when we started to look into it, the sheer volume of events that have never occurred is mind-boggling, and it begs the question as to why they have until now remained unreported?

Surely we have a right to hear of these exciting and varied items of news concerning non-events. Even simply looking at the list of famous people who never journeyed to Badenoch last week is fascinating.

I mean who would ever have imagined that The Queen and Prince Philip never visited Newtonmore – and whilst they weren't there were delighted not to attend Waltzing Waters.

However back to the weather – in Aviemore, hurricane "Musgrove" never happened, and in fact was never expected to, residents and local businesses were said to be delighted that any potential damage was avoided by the almost certain unlikelihood of a hurricane ever happening in the first place.

Local joiners in Cromdale have halted construction on an Ark after severe floods were not forecast, however an alert remains in place warning that the threat of no flooding could be in effect until at least a reasonable chance of flooding was expected and then it would be lifted.

In Grantown, a typhoon was not expected to tear up the High Street at any time in the future and the early evacuation of the Foolscap team to the nearest bar was found to be unnecessary, although it did, in fact, happen.

Any of our readers who are concerned about this new threat of extreme and potentially devastating non-weather events are advised to remain calm and hope for the best, after all the worst that can happen is nothing.

We here shall continue to bring regular updates on non-news items as they fail to occur, exhausting as it is with the almost constant rush of things not happening and that's just in our office.

*

THE great and the good gathered at the Craiglynne Hotel in Grantown on Friday night for the birthdays of Mairi Knotman and Maureen McMahon with a fancy dress theme of heroes and villians – this being none other than the capital of Strathspey there were considerable more of the latter.

Amongst those making a show at what was described as the social highlight of the year in some circles were local undertaker Johnnie Ross as The Grim Reaper; dashing Dr Boyd Peters was none other than Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Carribean theme; while the birthday girls were Marilyn Monroe (Mairi) and Cleopatra (Maureen).

Spinning the discs on the night was John Travolta's shorter and slightly less handsome brother plumber Neil "Summer Lovin'" Mutch, who is no stranger to Grease, of course.

We are sad to have to report, however, that Inspector Closeau has been called in proceedings after The Pink Pather lost his head – literally.

A rather "tired and emotional" John MacKintosh misplaced said head on the exceedingly short stroll from across the road back home and despite efforts by the police detective, he has failed to trace any leads.

*

UP here on the 10th floor where we satirise the great and the good of Badenoch and Strathspey, the jacuzzi is feeling a little tepid this morning as we secretly ponder the fact of Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand being penalised for some ill-judged remarks.

Will we be the next victims of political correctness or will our eloquent insults to our political masters (better say; wonderful, intelligent, political masters, just to be safe. – Ed) continue to be accepted as light-hearted banter and socio-political comment of the best possible type.

In this new post-satire era what exactly can we get away with? Can we emulate local Highland councillor Dave Fallows letter in the "Courier" and call Danny Alexander simplistic and naive. Maybe we should just stick to Dave Fallows and say that he is short-ish and not very slim.

Whatever you do don't get ,us started on his fellow councillors Gregor Rimell or Stuart Black but now that you've mentioned it, they are without doubt... (this article has had to be cut due to lack of space and to demonstrate that the "Strathy" has the highest standards of editorial control. – Ed)

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