Some even say we never exercise, but instead prefer to be carried aloft by our office assistants on sumptuous cushions, borne along on a tide of love and adoration.

"They" say a lot and although it's true to say that, at times, our movements and habits are shrouded in mystery, mostly this is a matter of security and for our own personal safety.

And the myths of extravagant parties and excessive spending on overseas shopping trips are it's sad to say largely unfounded, as it is, our miserable expenses budget doesn't run to much more than two or three trips a year and barely keeps us in decent bathing champagne for the Jacuzzi.

It was whilst we two were lamenting our lack of a decent expenses account that we happened to glance from our elevated position in Strathy Towers across to the rambling HQ of the Cairngorms National Park Authority.

Glances were exchanged as we looked on the overflowing car park; packed with gleaming examples of motoring exotica; making our own company Ferrari look a bit tired (take note. Ed), the sumptuous office suites with their piles of fresh fruit and chocolates; the staff lying in gold plated baths of goats' milk whilst minions fed them grapes; the barely clothed dancing... (that's enough, stop exaggerating. Ed).

Well maybe we have dressed up the scene a bit, however, whilst we here struggle to convince the management that a brass plate on our office door might look a tad more professional than the back of a fag packet with a drawing pin in it that simply states "Foolscap", the Cairngorms National Park Authority on the other hand have signs coming out of their ears.

Having just spent no small amount on positioning signs around the boundaries of the park they then announce that the park boundaries are to increase to the South. No doubt incurring an expensive exercise in repositioning the sign.

Forward planning or what?

*

A FRIEND I need is, as the saying goes, a friend indeed. However, it appears that in this case a friend in need is an opportunity for the friend in need's friends to have case for amusement.

In this tale of dental misery the friend in need is big John MacLean, legendry mechanical engineer from the glory days of Cairngorm Mountain, and the mischief maker is the notorious Duncan Stewart.

Apparently whilst out in Bosel in the Alps, John, after a night of merrymaking and hell-raising reached deep into his pocket to take out his hanky.

Pulling it with a flourish from his pocket he also pulled out his false teeth which, according to Duncan, are known as the "Dreaded Wallies".

The Wallies it seems saw this momentary loss of concentration from John as an opportunity to make good their escape, and with one final gleaming flash disappeared into the night without so much as a backward glance.

Why the wallies were in John's pocket is not revealed by Duncan and to be honest we would rather it remained a mystery.

Nonetheless, John finding himself without the means to masticate, phoned Duncan with a plea for him to locate his spare set of wallies in his Aviemore abode and have them sent out to the Alps, by personal courier.

What followed was according to Duncan an operation of military proportions involving at least five people, locksmiths and logistical technicians included.

Happily, John and the aforementioned spare set of wallies have been united in the Alps, and according to Duncan all is well.

Although he does worry, as John is within minutes of his 70th birthday, what he might lose next.

May we suggest his patience with Duncan?

*

EASTER is almost upon us again, and with it the temptation to waste large amounts of money on chocolate eggs that taste only marginally better than the box.

So, in an attempt to bring a smile to the faces of those feeling a little queasy through over-indulgence in funny-looking chocolate that often seems to have an unexplained kind of white dust on it here is a selection of Easter jokes.

Feel free to either laugh or indeed cry.

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A hot cross bunny.

What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit? Cheer up! (If only we could).

How do you make a rabbit stew? Make it wait for three hours.

Why can't the Easter Bunnies nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a Foot!

Even we recognise that these jokes are awful, and should in all probability roll ourselves down a hill for daring to air them to an unsuspecting public.

However were we to do that we would miss the hilarity of April Fool's Day, which as we all know follows close on the heels of Easter this year.

Being naturally cynical it takes a lot to fool the Foolscap team, however we shall be keen to hear from anyone with a story concerning April Fool's Day that should be shared with one and all.

If you would like to poke fun at a friend or family member then please feel free to send any tales along to Foolscap at fools.cap@btinternet.com.

*

OUR collective imaginations went into overdrive after receiving this email from a lovely in the former USSR. It is only fair (to us) that we point out to the Foolscap women that we have indeed been skiing in the Alps.

Most staggering of all was that the Temptress was looking for intelligent conversation – why then did this arrive on the 10th floor of Strathy Towers?

We demand an explanation but have not yet worked up the courage to find out from her. We would also be very keen to find out what "active rest" involves.

Her correspondence reads: "How are you? Are you surprised that you receive my letter? I think that you are surprised. I am young woman from Russia. I search man for serious relations.

"I do not have a boyfriend in Russia and it seems that Russian men are not for me. May be I am not for Russian men. But I have decided to search man outside of Russia. Therefore I have addressed in dating agency.

"The dating agency gave me your e-mail because you are also in search of second half. You are registered on a dating site. They have taken your e-mail therefrom and they have told me it. So do not be surprised.

"At once I wish to tell you that I do not know about you anything. Therefore please tell me about you. It will be interesting to me. I also wish to tell you about me. My name is Darya. I live in Russia. I am 26 years. My sign on the zodiac is a cancer.

"If to speak about my physical data, my height is 167 cm and my weight is 52kg. I have lots of hobbies. I like to listen music, I like to dance, I like to read. Also I like active rest. I like swimming, I like aerobics, skates. Sometimes I go on the nature. On the nature it is good to breathe fresh air. It is really fine. I like to have dialogue with people. I like intellectual conversations. I have some friends.

"But I have no my second half of love. And I search for my second half of love."

The above reminds us of an acquaintance (unmarried we would hasten to add) of this esteemed column who met a striking Lithuanian lass whilst out watching the football with the Tartan Army a few years back and embarked on a long distance romance of sorts which started to become rather too risque for us to repeat in these columns.

Unfortunately for our lovelorn suitor, it transpired (and to cut a long story short) that the target of his affections had long grown bored with his advances and instead passed him onto her brother to improve his English. Our man was at least able to confirm that this Lithuanian certainly had a good smattering of the more evocative words in our vocabulary.

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