WELCOME to Deal or No Deal, says Noel Edmonds in this vivid dream of the show's Christmas special that I've been having. "Today's contestant is Ken Gorm."

After a bit of small talk about my fear of tomatoes and my much-publicised romance with that lass from the telly news, we start the game proper.

"Number seven, please," I say, celebrating as the £100 is knocked off.

"What was the thinking behind that?" asks Noel.

"No thinking at all, Noel," I say. "It's all random."

Noel looks a bit nervous at my comment but carries on and lets me pick two more numbers. The phone rings and Noel offers me £2,000 to which I immediately reply: "No deal."

"You're supposed to ponder it for a while, then say 'I'm ready for the question'," says Noel.

"No point messing about, though, is there?" I reply. "Right, I'll have number 13, then six, then 15."

My fellow contestants are starting to look as confused as Noel. Some of them try to wish me luck before they open my boxes but I wave off their comments and tell them to just get on with it. They appear utterly deflated.

A few more offers come in from the banker and I turn them all down.

"The banker admires your bravery," says Noel.

"It's not bravery," I say. "It's greed. I reckon I can get more money so I'm hanging out for as long as I can."

Beads of sweat now dropping from his forehead, Noel forces out of a laugh and goes to an ad break.

"What are you doing?" he says. "You're spoiling the whole point of Deal or No Deal! We've only been going for seven minutes and you've already gone through two-thirds of the numbers.

"We have to spend time discussing tactics and saying that certain numbers are lucky because of some significant event in your life."

"But it's just a game of chance, Noel," I say. "I can't see the numbers in the box so I have to guess.

"There's no more to it. I know all the guff about tactics and superstition makes this into a mildly diverting show, but at the end of the day, it's still just guessing."

"Listen," says Noel, turning a bit threatening. "I didn't put up with this sort of nonsense from Blobby and I'm damn sure not going to put up with it from a little ginger upstart like you."

He goes to attack me but at this point I wake up shouting "no deal!" and have to explain to my wife why I've been shouting out numbers all night.