I THINK you all know that I would make the ideal father for your as-yet unborn children.

The genetic arguments for coupling with me, the Ginger Prince, are compelling enough, but when you throw in my outstanding nurturing instincts and dizzying career prospects, it really becomes a question that answers itself.

But, alas, it is not to be.

As I am married to one of Britain's more splendid women and don't believe in infidelity one little bit, I'm afraid the prospect of us procreating and creating a brood of little ginger babies is now off the menu.

That's why I'm applying to become your children's godfather.

Of course, I fail the first major test for aspiring godfathers in that I'm pretty sure I don't believe in God.

(As Woody Allen once memorably observed: "If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. The worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an under-achiever.")

But as long as what you're looking for is a secular godfather, someone who will guide your child through life with occasional words of wisdom, encouragement and guidance, call off the search, because here I am.

In the early years, my godfathering repertoire will consist mostly of gurning - the young 'uns love that - and gift buying. And, if I do say myself, I have an uncanny knack at buying presents for the pre-school infant.

For the primary school years, I should just about be able to help out with their homework, though I might have to withdraw that help once they get onto GCSE courses.

I know people say that exams are getting easier these days, but I'm getting stupider at a much faster rate.

Admittedly, I will probably be worse than useless with the little nipper from the ages of 11 to 17.

In those years, children have complex needs and I see myself more as the broad brush, visionary sort of godfather.

You'd best take charge then.

But once the kids gets to their important late teenage years, I will swoop back into their lives like a lost hero and really come into my own as a godfather by inspiring my charges to dream big in life.

You, as parents, can continue to encourage them to stay on the straight and narrow, study hard and become brain surgeons so that they can pay your care home fees in your latter years.

Meanwhile, I will suggest that they throw it all in to follow a career in interpretive dance and take a gap year on the hippie trail in Morocco.

Between us, I reckon the next generation should be just about okay.