THANKS TO all those TV makeover experts, the Government has today declared that everyone's life is perfect.

Our houses are perfect, thanks to Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen; the houses we're developing are making us rich, thanks to Sarah Beeney; and the dream homes we're building with the money we've made on those deals are brilliant too, thanks to Kevin McCloud on Grand Designs.

Our children all eat highly, nutritious food because we've been watching Jamie Oliver, and so do we because of "Dr" Gillian McKeith.

Switch on the goggle-box and we can look Ten Years Younger, Eat Yourselves Thin and then work out What Not To Wear.

Faced with such overwhelming guidance towards the perfect life, the Government has decided that it no longer needs to exist and is gracefully going into retirement.

"What use is the Department of Health when we have the Diet Doctors Inside and Out on Channel 5 at 8.30pm every Thursday?" said Prime Minister David Cameron.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of (Health Secretary) Andrew Lansley, but let's face it, he's no Gordon Ramsay.

"We've been wasting millions of pounds paying GPs for years and years and I've just realised that I can send people to the Street Doctors (BBC1, 7pm) instead.

"I think I'll keep the schools open for a couple of months, but now that Ian Wright wants to help children read, that might be sorted too.

"Faced with all this perfect guidance, me and the Cabinet have realised that we're a bit redundant, so we're all going to retire."

Some naysayers have pointed out that, despite the glut of property, health and lifestyle experts on the telly, you only have to walk down the street to see a bunch of badly-dressed, overweight, haggard-looking idiots who could no more keep their own house in order than develop another and then move to Spain.

But that is surely not true.

That would mean that all those makeover shows were just audio-visual fluff that are watched and ignored by millions of people who aren't helped one little bit. Come on now, can that really be true?

Are you telling me that when Jamie Oliver started his crusade for better school dinners, the only people who watched were smug middle-class parents who knew that their children were already eating lemongrass and tofu but liked watching the oiks wolfing down chips coated in lard, chocolate and pork scratchings?

No, that can't be it.

We're all perfect and it's because television has made us so.