SCIENTISTS. They are always releasing some report or other. Holed up in darkened rooms they must spend their time just dreaming up research they can do in order to stay busy and justify the massive laundry bill burden thrust upon the state.
All those white coats don't wash themselves, you know.
Well, finally they have come up with some research that we two can wholeheartedly agree with.
Apparently, according to some research hot of the press, those who may be somewhat attractively challenged are unable to hide on the Internet.
Scientists have examined the belief that online dating had 'levelled the playing field' by allowing men who may not be to blessed in the looks department to gloss over their defects.
They have now determined that in fact those of the fairer sex can see right through men's attempts to write themselves up and exaggerate their good looks and desirability.
An eminent psychologist has suggested that genuinely attractive men wrote online descriptions that conveyed confidence and vitality, and upon reading these descriptions women could tell that the author was good-looking and not the unmentionable opposite.
We two couldn't agree more.
Surely those of you reading these words can tell straight away that we are perfect examples of the human form, with our lithe, tanned bodies and chiselled jaws we sit and tap away at our keyboards selflessly bringing the news to the masses. Even reading back over our own words we can immediately tell that we are hugely attractive.
To prove the theory one only has to read the editorial and then seek photographic evidence for final confirmation.
Tips from the top of industry
MORE news from the Deep South. If you want a tip from the local branch of the Federation of Small Businesses, we are prepared to make a guess as to what it might be. Seven pence.
That's what we reckon each member of the strath's FSB branch left the staff at a certain Loch Insh-side restaurant after their annual meeting the other day, according to our village mole, who naturally couldn't resist the temptation to check out the tips bowl as the guests shuffled out.
The 50 or so diners finished everything in sight in spite of the generous portion sizes.
The £15-a-head dinner plates were well-laden and the poor starving business people licked them clean.
With the economy in such a state, spare a thought for these hard-working captains - or at least corporals - of industry in their hour of need.
As the guests ambled out they scraped in their pockets for loose change to leave, each one possibly hoping that their paltry amounts would be offset by their generous companions.
Our mole was quick to the count when the restaurant emptied, and he discovered the princely sum of £3.50 in the bowl to demonstrate the diners' gratitude to the hard working staff, the smart, smiling attendants who had catered to their every whim during a highly successful annual bash.
For those of you who are mathematically challenged, £3.50 divided by 50 works out at seven pence per head.
One sage member of the staff pondered that with the economy the way it is, "these days to make money, you have to ... not spend money."
Serious questions for holiday comfort
AS YET another holiday season in the shape of Christmas approaches, we thought it might be prudent to alert accommodation providers to some of the stranger complaints proffered by holidaymakers in the past.
Whilst some of these are undoubtedly strange, the person who asked if the property owner could 'send a picture of the toaster' gets our sympathy, it's a perfectly reasonable request, isn't it?
So here, as promised, is a selection of ones which patently aren't:
Can we have a machete
cutlass to keep under our bed?
Can you move the house 180 degrees?
What is the distance between the toilet seat and the nearest wall?
Do you cater for UK swinger holidays?
What are the floors in each room made of, and can we see some pictures of them?
Meanwhile, the top three funniest animal-related questions were:
Where can we keep our donkey at night?
How many mosquitoes do you have? (The owner replied "Three, one called Fred, one called George and one called Mildred". The amused holidaymaker subsequently booked).
Am I likely to get eaten by an alligator? (for a property in Florida).
Andrew thankful for local delivery
THOSE OF our robust readers who have spent time at Her Majesty's pleasure or who simply like a warming breakfast will no doubt be keen fans of that wholesome foodstuff, porridge.
Those who like this fashionably healthy food may have noticed that the 18th World Porridge Championships took place in Carrbridge recently.
Contestants from Ireland, England, Sweden and the USA took part against a contingent of Scots to fight for the title.
In spite of the obvious attraction inherent in stirring porridge, the organisers put on some other enticements to tempt the jaded palates of the event going public.
Amongst the entertainments on offer at this heady occasion was a raffle, with a number of prizes donated by local businesses and citizens.
The Masterchef judges Colin Bussey and George McIvor brought along their partners, and Miriam, the partner of judge Colin, embarrassingly won two bags of logs that had been donated by local coal and wood merchant Andrew McInnes. Luckily for Andrew, who had donated the delivery too, she did not demand that the logs be delivered.
Miriam lives in deepest Ayrshire, and when she learned that she had won, she phoned Andrew to ask him to donate the logs to deserving souls in the village, which he duly did, breathing a sigh of relief.
Two of the more senior members of the community each got a back of logs as a result, and Andrew was able to continue on his rounds without a 350-mile detour.
