WELL, it would appear that the inevitable has happened and winter has reared its ugly, cold head again.

After a summer of miserable and uninspiring weather we are now faced with the not undaunting prospect of between five to six months of rain, snow, frost, wind, sleet and all manner of other weather guaranteed to make us sick with rheumatism and long for a relaxing trip to the sun.

Just as well, then, that we two have our trusty sun bed and jacuzzi to keep us occupied on those long winter nights.

The only difficulty we do have is that during the winter the editorial staff appear to think that it is acceptable to come along and join us in our moments of relaxation.

Let us take the time now to categorically announce that it is not okay; it's not even right. Typing pool staff yes, we have no problem with that kind of company.

However, if recent weather forecasts are to be believed - and the fact we are staring out of the window right now at a white Cairn Gorm would seem to support the predictions - we may well consider knocking the jacuzzi and sauna into one and opening a small ice rink.

After all, we may as well embrace the impending gloomy weather and at least try and join in.

End in sight for Aviemore's 'Berlin Wall'?

AND SO, after many meetings, arguments, bitter words and petty squabbles, the infamous Berlin Wall in Aviemore is finally set to tumble.

The controversial wall between Aviemore Highland Resort and the rest of Aviemore is, we understand, soon to be no more.

To be honest it's long been a mystery to us here in the exalted 10th floor as to which side of the wall was which.

Is Aviemore the austere East Germany, where the community council is elected by universal suffrage, local industry is about to be nationalised and agriculture collectives are the norm?

Following this theme, is Aviemore Highland Resort undergoing some kind of rapid economic growth under 'social market economy' combining the encouragement of free market forces with strategic state intervention?

Who knows, perhaps once the 'wall' does finally fall all these and more secrets will be revealed.

At least we two will be able to stop longingly peeping through gaps in the fence at the privileged few who have until now enjoyed the west untouched by the great unwashed.

There's more to porridge than you might think!

IT'S the rutting season. And at this time of year the testosterone levels in the hills and glens are at an all-time high.

On a fine autumn morning it's all we can do to stop ourselves taking to a mountain side and roaring along with the stags. With our breath streaming from nostrils and heads held high we fancy we would make a fine sight, undoubtedly enough to fire anyone's ardour.

Perhaps, however, all this posturing of the most basic primal urge is down to last week's porridge-making championships. We did, after all, most likely consume a bit more than our fair share, and a snippet of research we recently read would suggest that porridge has certain fertility and aphrodisiac qualities.

Apparently porridge oats provide a stimulating effect on the body and are said to free up any of the aforementioned bound testosterone, and hence the saying 'feeling his oats'.

It's worked for us, so in short it could work for anyone.

Porridge is also considered to be a fine antidote to insomnia. Again, we can testify to the accuracy of this, having carried out extensive research ourselves on the matter we find that one bowl of porridge consumed at just the right time can indeed contribute to a great night's sleep.

Although we can't help but wonder if this is directly connected to the other benefits of the stuff. Perhaps we need to carry out more fieldwork to be sure.

Lane suitable for anything but driving on

AS WE have already pointed out, it's winter again and another few seasons are under our belt; meanwhile, the two plus one lane on the A9 at Moy is still dysfunctional.

It must be getting to the point where someone is going to have to admit that the solution to the problem cannot be found and alternative uses be mooted for the redundant lane.

A park and ride scheme perhaps, or an art installation of the post modern variety. Much like Tracy Emin's famous unmade bed in the Tate, people would flock from miles around to gawp in wonder at something patently unfinished, unusable and potentially dangerous. Wouldn't they?

At least there would be plenty of parking. So if not an art installation, then what other useful role could the one and a half miles of lazy Tarmac be used for?

Ship it to Edinburgh and use it to repair the tram lines perhaps, small airport, or maybe it could be built on. Possibly not the best location in the world, but an easy commute to Inverness nonetheless.

Once you start to give it some real thought the potential for this highway design error are extensive.

In short it could be used for almost anything under the sun, apart from overtaking another car on the way to town, that is. We think there should be a public ballot and the best idea should be implemented immediately; anything would be better than the taxpayer forking out tons of dosh each month just for the privilege of looking at a piece of empty Tarmac.

Moles required

AS ANYONE who has reached thus far can probably tell, it is an enormous strain on our great intellect and large brains to come up with this kind of material time after time.

After all, there's only so much one can handle before quality and content could start to suffer.

In an impassioned plea to prevent such an unthinkable occurrence, we urge anyone out there with ambitions of becoming one of our entrusted moles to get in touch and dish the dirt.

Being a mole is painless and embodies an enormous sense of well-being.

So send any salacious news to the Foolscap team at foolscap@btinternet.com