AS THIS column advances in years - although one half is more advanced than the other - it is delighted to tell stories of Old Men Behaving Badly and we have offered you many examples in the past.
Some do it deliberately just to enjoy the rush of blood to the temples whereas we find we can achieve that just by standing up too quickly.
Others do it by default, which is to say in innocent obliviousness. Whatever way you look at it; it seems clear that daft behaviour is not the prerogative of the young.
Newtonmore's septuagenarian Malcolm Dow - AKA Mad Malcolm - is a renowned disaster area and generally leaves a wake of disturbance as he ploughs into the rolling sea of life.
He was recently travelling on holiday with his long-suffering wife, Nancy, heading off to the Bahamas to get a look at the sun and check that it is still operating as it used to do when we were boys.
Once through check-in and security he got to the gate and, like many gentlemen of a similar age decided that he needed to go for a pee.
Spotting an exit sign with a figure of a running man he jumped to the obvious conclusion that a running man was obviously someone desperate to inspect the plumbing arrangements and headed for the door.
He pushed through the door which ominously clicked shut behind him. It had no handle to allow him to go back and then he discovered that there was no sign of a loo anywhere.
Now committed, he continued down a darkened staircase and in due course found himself back in the fresh air right outside the airport but this time without any tickets or boarding card.
Meanwhile Nancy was beginning to worry as she couldn't find him anywhere.
He tried to go back through all the procedures but time was running out and sadly, the staff at airports are very suspicious these days and not given to believing that someone would come out through the fire exit in mistake for a toilet.
The result being that he was taken away to the security department for interrogation. By this time the airline staff were looking for him to board the aircraft and with a bit of communication, eventually his story was believed.
He was released, rushed through to the gate and straight on to the aircraft.
It was at this point, strapped into his seat that he realised that he still hadn't had a pee and unlike the well known French actor Gerard Depardieu realised he would have to wait until they were up, up and away.
Possibly he'll be more careful next time, but we aren't counting on it.
AHA. That great euphemistic show title "Britain's Got Talent" is seeping into all parts of media life it seems. Britain does have talent but this show studiously manages to avoid it every time with an unerring degree of accuracy.
The principle even extends to the weather nowadays.
The great British "Whether" show can now climax, courtesy of this hallowed column:
Whether there would be enough wind over Loch Insh for interesting filming of TV weather babe Carol Kirkwood's windsurfing lesson from Andy Freshwater.
Whether the Beeb would screen the lesson in their live Stirling Castle show.
Whether Carol's team would bother to contact Kincraig's watersports centre with any information about the big event.
Whether they paid for the windsurfing lesson.
The answer to all of these questions, we can at last reveal, is . . . no.
"Still, I really enjoyed the session" said Loch Insh instructor Andy Freshwater this week. "It was an experience, you might say."
And, as he wholeheartedly agreed, that's no-show business like show business.
THIS tickled the fancy of our Editor (not something we would choose to do without wearing rubber gloves) and comes to us from the recent Newtonmore Golf Club's visitors' week.
We quote from their report: "The rain continued all night and by Thursday morning the Spey had burst its banks, flooding parts of the course.
"A decision was made to restrict the R.N.L.I. Greensomes to 14 holes and there were no complaints from the competitors who were happy not to get their feet too wet."
The R.N.L.I. is of course the Royal National Lifeboat Institution.
FOR those of us suffering under the delusion that Badenoch and Strathspey is being picked out for the worst weather in the world our French correspondent, George Anderson has recently returned to his home in Saint Nazaire after a few weeks in Newtonmore.
He comments: "We have returned home to almost as bad weather as we left, but the wine is cheaper!"
George, or Georges as he likes to be known now that he is almost French, goes on to tell of his dining experience on his route back to France.
In Fife, they had arranged to take some relations out for a meal, in recompense for many previous impositions on their hospitality and they had been recommended to an old country inn.
Taking up the tale, Georges said: "We were warmly greeted by a young waiter, who immediately showed us to our table, gave us the menu and the wine list and asked if we wanted any aperitifs.
"When La Madame requested a Campari and soda, demonstrating a fine grasp of the hospitality trade, he asked: 'What's Campari?'.
"Just when we were about to order, the waiter appeared with a large blackboard with two 'dishes of the day', Aberdeen Angus Steak or freshly caught East Neuk Haddock.
"I was about to decide on the steak when he almost immediately re-appeared and told us that the last steak had just been ordered.
"Nonetheless, the starters were excellent, and we enjoyed not having our main courses presented too quickly.
"Then our highly professional waiter came back and asked us if we were ready to have 'desserts'.
"We politely refused, and explained that in the great hinterland of Scotland out-with the Kingdom of Fife, meals were presented in a different order, and we really would prefer to have the main course first.
"He had the good grace to blush.
"At the conclusion we asked him what aperitifs we might have. Surprise surprise, our expert sommelier had no idea which malt whiskies were available.
"Ah the innocence of the young."
KEEP in touch; embarrass your friends and join our hardworking team of moles. Contact us with any stories at foolscap@btinternet.com.
