IN spite of the weather, or maybe because of it, people are still golfing.
This column was out last Saturday in torrential rain, but it must be said that it wasn't daft enough to stay out. Instead we did the sensible thing and went home to play nine holes on the Wii.
This is the way to play the game with sunshine, blue skies and a pleasant warm atmosphere - things we seem destined to miss in this little part of the world so beloved by those who don't actually have to live here.
In last week's competition at Carrbridge Golf Club, players had more to contend with than just the weather. For a start, there were three disqualifications. As regular players will know, disqualifications are not uncommon, because the rules of golf are so complex, but three in one competition is keen, to say the least.
One was for an unsigned card, another for a missing handicap, but the third was much more embarrassing. The third, mortifyingly, was on the part of club president John Walker, who inadvertently took the wrong penalty following an unwitting rule infringement in a hazard.
As if that wasn't bad enough, John's trolley made a break for freedom; it had probably suffered enough watching his play, and set off on its own on the hill from the seventh tee. Naturally, John, being fit and healthy, chased after it, but his speed was such that he caught up with it sooner than he expected, tripped over it, then went over the top of it. He then suffered the final ignominy of having the trolley land on top of him. Sounds to us that the trolley came out ahead on points. and with no rule infringements.
WE TWO on the 10th floor enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Cristal on ice; jacuzzi temperature adjusted according to the season; garments of the finest cloth and a larder bulging with food gathered from the four corners of the world.
OK, we exaggerate. We don't serve the Cristal in an ice bucket; we just keep it in the fridge.
Times, however, are set to change, according to some particularly vicious rumours circulating on the lower floors of Strathy Towers. Apparently the recent announcement by Scottish and Southern Energy that they are putting up their electricity prices by 11% has thrown our dear editor into an energy-saving frenzy. We will outline just what those energy-saving measures may be later on.
First, we must try to understand why SSE think such a price hike is justifiable at a time when most of us are already too scared to plug in the toaster lest it should induce bankruptcy. Clearly profit played a big role in the decision. Only four weeks ago the company had to break the devastating news to its shareholders that it had only managed to scrape together a pathetic £2.5 billion profit over the twelve-month period to March 31. At a time when an estimated (according to a recent study) 33% of all Scots are living in fuel poverty, the board shall have to show a bit more financial acumen if they are to get that figure above 50% before the next financial year-end.
As we are sure the shareholders agree, simply bumping up the price of electricity for no immediately apparent reason is a good first step. What other reasons could there, be apart from making more money? Well, under the glare of our newly acquired 1-watt desk lamps, we applied our massive intellect. Could it be the price of wind? Clearly with wind farms popping up all over place, rapidly followed by the usual statement that "This will provide enough power to supply x number of homes", wind must be getting to be something of a depleted commodity, and therefore must be costing the power companies more to buy.
If the raw material needed to generate power has gone up in price, it's only fair that the cost is passed on to the end user. After all, power companies didn't get where they are today by taking a free commodity such as wind or water and turning it into huge profit at the expense of you and me.
Maybe the time is ripe for us users of electricity to rise up and hold giant pairs of curtains in front of wind farms until they agree to a price drop. As for the energy-saving measures at Strathy Towers, we on the 10th floor have been issued with thermal underwear and strict instructions to share all bathing water. We have passed on the memo to the typing and secretarial department, but so far have been dismayed to find that no one there shares our enthusiasm for such an initiative.
SINCE we are on the subject of energy, we thought it only fair to share these surefire ways to reduce your energy bills in the coming months.
So: turn off burglar alarms and security systems when not in use, for example at night while you are sleeping; turn off the water supply to your toilets; the average family outputs enough fluid in one day to flush the toilet twice; remove hot water pipe insulation to benefit from the heat that would otherwise be lost through the end of taps; and finally (one for the power companies themselves) after a power cut, wait until midnight before turning the power back on. That way, you may garner some sympathy by saving us all the hassle and energy of resetting our DVD players and radio alarms!
AS NEWS, scandal and salacious details are a bit thin on the ground since we have had to remove our phone taps on the great and the good of Strathspey, we are now relying even more heavily on readers of this kind of nonsense to keep the stuff pouring in.
It's good to embarrass your friends and enlighten the public. Join our hardworking team of moles and send your stories to foolscap@btinternet.com
