Published: 18/04/2012 12:30 - Updated: 17/04/2012 12:03

How to use a hotel shower!

Helpful hints on using a shower.
Helpful hints on using a shower.

WE TRAVEL around a great deal to widen our knowledge so that we can cater for your entertainment and can gather bits and pieces to amuse and enlighten our readers.

This week one of us was in Glasgow, staying in the plush surroundings of a basic hotel chain.

We somehow imagined that visitors to Glasgow would have some degree of sophistication, although we cannot say why we imagine that, but possibly this is not the case if the instructions on the shower shown below are considered to be essential.

It begs the question how would someone expect to have an invigorating shower without turning it on? And as for the concept of adjusting the temperature until the degree of invigoration is suitable, we wonder exactly what guests were doing until this instruction label was added.

Possibly standing in the shower without any water, or maybe just accepting whatever temperature was left by the previous guest.

Cold showers can be quite invigorating, we suppose, but we have studiously avoided finding out if this is true for most of our adult lives.

Nonetheless, it does make us wonder what sort of guests they get in this particular hotel.

Game of golf is a risky business

NOW that he is retired, Aviemore’s ex-GP, Angus MacNeill, is often to be found engaging in adrenalin-filled sports and has only recently returned from skiing in the Dolomites.

Often he can be seen perched on impressive peaks of the Scottish Highlands, staring out, like stout Cortez, across the flowing landscapes, although possibly without Cortez’s wild surmise.

We now hear that he has severely injured himself, but not as you might assume in one of his usual adventurous mountain pursuits.

It seems that he broke his ankle on the Hayfield, not skiing, but teaching a junior member of the family to play golf.

Firstly, those who have seen Angus’s game of golf may consider this a fairly ambitious challenge and may even question whether such skills as he has should really be passed on to others.

General opinion on his golf is that it should be allowed to die a natural death.

It seems that in the process of the golf he stumbled across the slope, slipped and fell.

Angus himself says: “The news is out about my failed attempt to combine street dance, hillwalking and off-piste golf in Glenmore!”

We have just been reading about MAMILs taking over society on their bikes (middle aged men in Lycra), and Angus feels that he might be spearheading yet another threat to civilisation – ODIPs (old dafties in plaster).

Along with one or two other ageing local sportsmen, he is thinking of founding a new club, to honour those who cannot do it any more – the Hop-a-Long Ski Club. We cannot help but think that, looking around the people we know, this could be a club that has a big future.

Bard puts his health concerns in verse

THE bard of Tomatin, Donnie MacAskill, having said his piece on the two-plus-one road at Moy, has obviously had a recent spell in hospital if his latest piece of work is anything to go by.

We leave you to enjoy his poetic gem and to ponder on the greater meaning of life.

HUFFY OAP versus NHS HIGHLAND

We worry for our country life

with wildcats getting scarce,

But unwell Strathdearn folk might ask,

“Has anyone seen a nurse?!”

It seems they’ve all been trapped in town,

confined to urban work,

Thumbs up for all the “toonsers”,

thumbs down to rural folk.

Occasionally they will re-appear

with undisguised reluctance.

Next time, they said, “Take your wounded leg

and hop it to your practice!”

More cash for healing in the home

was the latest health board rant,

As rural folk the Highlands o’er

reached for a pinch of salt.

We worry for our country life

and the scarcity of nurses,

But likened to the wildcat

they’re a most endangered species.

As some of us have to have nurses draw our blood occasionally we cannot comment on Donnie’s views due to our religious beliefs.

We are both devout cowards.

A bridge too far for photoshoot?

A PARTY was held last week to celebrate 20 years contribution to hostelling in the strath by Peter and Kathryn Main.

This event was held at The Lazy Duck Hostel in Nethy Bridge, possibly to reduce the noise pollution for their neighbours, but there may have been other reasons for the distant location as well.

Peter and Kathryn have retired from running the renowned Newtonmore Hostel and were being presented with a painted ceramic plate depicting the two of them hard at work serving the needs of their customers.

Our “Strathy” photographer, Frances Porter, who normally inhabits a cramped desk beside the boiler in the sub-basement, was allowed out to capture the scene. As an artist in print, Frances invited the whole gathering of over 20 hostel owners and former owners to gather on the quaint wooden bridge spanning the Caochan Fuaran burn, the very place which is the hangout of the eponymous lazy ducks.

As in most disasters, nobody is entirely sure what happened next, nor can anyone say who was responsible. However, there are some weighty clues that a budding Sherlock Holmes might grasp.

Of the three most likely culprits; bulky Tom Jones of Carr Bridge Bunkhouse, substantial Ian ‘Porridge’ Bishop of Slochd Mhor Lodge Hostel or even the host himself, Davy Mhor of The Lazy Duck, the consensus of opinion was that it was the Bishop who may have tipped the balance, so to speak.

Without apportioning blame we can say that, when these three substantially constructed personages passed across the Monet-style bridge, the main supporting member cracked loudly, putting everyone in peril.

Sadly, no-one got wet, but the ducks took a fright and Frances missed a picture of a lifetime that might have made her fortune.

We would have paid good money for it anyway.

What's the latest gossip?

WE ARE always glad to hear from you, our dear readers, especially when you send us stories that embarrass your friends and acquaintances.

Foolscap needs moles and stool pigeons, so don’t be shy.

Contact us at foolscap@btinternet.com with the latest gossip.

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